This is What I Feel, and I Refuse to Let It Control Me Anymore

I'm alone. True, I have friends, family, teachers, etc, who care about me, love me, are there for me no matter what... it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel alone. I wasn't for a long time, and I am now. So what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can look for someone, but experience tells me, that the person will show up exactly when they want to and no sooner than that. Looking around every single corner I round for them will bring more disappointment than anything (though my stubbornness refuses to allow me to quit). I wont be alone in due time, when my time for love comes again. I know I want it to be soon, soon as possible. But then again, I always do. I'm emotionally needy. That will never change.

How do I feel less alone? Sad? Empty? Lost? Desperate? How do I make the memories stop haunting me? You can't tell me. No one can. Time heals wounds. Only time. It takes time, though mentally, I do believe you can truly effect how much time it will take to heal. The more active you are about your own healing, the less time it will take. Just like a wound heals faster with some antiseptic and a bandage. If you actually TRY to heal, the healing will work faster. Don't pick at your wounds, stitch them closed.

I suppose I've been fighting it a little bit. But who wouldn't? It's a whole lot to take in, and an immense amount of things to forget. Well, not to forget. I'm really not forgetting anything. I'm just, sort of taking everything, remembering it, processing it, and filing it away. Putting it in storage. Make them distant. And as time goes, I'll make more memories, which make the old even more distant, and make filing everything else away that much easier. And then, when I look back, well, I just think "Awww, I remember when", not "I miss those days", or "What if". What if sucks. Never let that become a stable part of your vocabulary. It's the question to which you will never know the answer. And I hate not knowing the answers to things. So it's just better for me to not ask that question.

Besides, how could I ever possibly benefit from any of this? From holding onto this? It's like a dead kitten. Sure it was cute and fun while it was alive, but it got sick, it's gone now, and there is nothing you can do about it. Do you really want to try to play with a dead kitten? To try to feed one? I know from anatomy class that dead cats are just... gross. I would must rather have a live one, thanks. And no, I may not find another kitten I really like for awhile, but it's not like my kitten was the last kitten on earth. There are plenty of em. Hell, just look in the classifieds in the newspaper, there are tons of em, for free! It would be... rather stupid to keep and cherish a dead kitten when I could easily get a live one!

Goodness, by now most of us should understand how disappointing life is. From the little things like having to change plans, to the bigger things like break-ups and death. Life never works exactly the way we want it to. Why? Cause we can't see what's been planned for us, we have our own ideas and plans, and when they don't work out, we are incredibly sad. See though, if we could see what He has planned, we wouldn't be sad at all, cause we would know that everything is going exactly how it's supposed to be. Not a single mistake or disappointment, but everything flowing perfectly in line as He intended it. Wish I could see that. Hope His plan is incredible, cause mine seemed pretty damn good too.

I was sitting there, about an hour ago, listening to Brand New, because I hadn't in weeks and I wanted to so bad. Not caring how much it would hurt if I did. And I saw the friendship we could have. I could picture us, driving somewhere, anywhere together, laughing, best friends. No pain. No sense of loss. No awkwardness. Just us, like I do with all of my other close friends, driving down the road, singing along to some song (this time it was "Jesus Christ" by Brand New), laughing and having the time of our lives. I can't have what I planned anymore. I'm trying as hard as I can to accept that. And since I can't have that, I want what I just saw in my head, so bad. It almost seems just as good as my original plan. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it made me, for a few brief moment, immensely happy. I want that. Now.

Your one of my best friends. You know me better than 99% of everyone who knows me. I cannot lose you. You said you need me, I need you too. You know so much, and your such a part of me now, that to lose you completely is an unthinkable thing. Why else do you think I can't stay away? I've known you, for not too much longer than a year, and I feel like I grew up with you. That I met you in elementary school, or middle school, like my other closest friends. I could never survive without their friendship, so how could I ever survive without yours? It would kill me inside to not have it. That's why I want to start fixing it. To make the image in my head reality as soon as I can. And how is that possible? Time... and like I said before, time repairs, and will do so faster if you actively try to help it. I'll be as active as possible, as active in healing this as my brain will let me.

You have to see how hard I'm trying. If you looked that things how I see them, if you know me well at all, you could see how much it hurts, and still how hard I'm trying to feel better and move on. The whole situation is so sad. Not bitter, not angry, just sad. It's so freaking sad. I was probably mad about it for all of, I don't know, two or three days. Now I'm getting past the sadness, and the past. It's easier to accept it all every day. Though I will have my down days. The days when I cry myself to sleep. The days when I may deny every word I've just written. My relapse days. I'll have em, but even as I do, they will grow fewer and farther in between. Gosh I can't wait for that. I want it as soon as possible.

I want to live. I want to breath. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to get some actual control over what I feel for once. I'm going to take what I want, starting now.