STATic

I found, there's nothing to this underneath
Just a fight for lives uncertain 
No matter what happens the outcome feels the same
So if I hurry
I'll still be here all the same
I was kidding myself to think
That a hospital bed with wheels
Meant a smoother recovery
Or that every time the vital signs drop
That the doctor will find medication in time

We were all left wondering where the quality of life went
Hooked up to a thousand machines
Everyone would like to think they'd help
But they only preserve the dead
On the days when I'm breathing
Or the days when I'm gasping
It all reads the same
I'm living
At the cost

Cause I'm done here
My life's lost most of it's recognition
For most my wounds are nothing now
Their friends been gone so long
That the cards and balloons are further in between
A way of life, no longer an emergency 
I'm living like this everyday
Like the beep on the LCD
Never stops, and when it dose, CPR is administered
All the same
Everyday
My walls are white
The color I'll never see

This is What I Feel, and I Refuse to Let It Control Me Anymore

I'm alone. True, I have friends, family, teachers, etc, who care about me, love me, are there for me no matter what... it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel alone. I wasn't for a long time, and I am now. So what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can look for someone, but experience tells me, that the person will show up exactly when they want to and no sooner than that. Looking around every single corner I round for them will bring more disappointment than anything (though my stubbornness refuses to allow me to quit). I wont be alone in due time, when my time for love comes again. I know I want it to be soon, soon as possible. But then again, I always do. I'm emotionally needy. That will never change.

How do I feel less alone? Sad? Empty? Lost? Desperate? How do I make the memories stop haunting me? You can't tell me. No one can. Time heals wounds. Only time. It takes time, though mentally, I do believe you can truly effect how much time it will take to heal. The more active you are about your own healing, the less time it will take. Just like a wound heals faster with some antiseptic and a bandage. If you actually TRY to heal, the healing will work faster. Don't pick at your wounds, stitch them closed.

I suppose I've been fighting it a little bit. But who wouldn't? It's a whole lot to take in, and an immense amount of things to forget. Well, not to forget. I'm really not forgetting anything. I'm just, sort of taking everything, remembering it, processing it, and filing it away. Putting it in storage. Make them distant. And as time goes, I'll make more memories, which make the old even more distant, and make filing everything else away that much easier. And then, when I look back, well, I just think "Awww, I remember when", not "I miss those days", or "What if". What if sucks. Never let that become a stable part of your vocabulary. It's the question to which you will never know the answer. And I hate not knowing the answers to things. So it's just better for me to not ask that question.

Besides, how could I ever possibly benefit from any of this? From holding onto this? It's like a dead kitten. Sure it was cute and fun while it was alive, but it got sick, it's gone now, and there is nothing you can do about it. Do you really want to try to play with a dead kitten? To try to feed one? I know from anatomy class that dead cats are just... gross. I would must rather have a live one, thanks. And no, I may not find another kitten I really like for awhile, but it's not like my kitten was the last kitten on earth. There are plenty of em. Hell, just look in the classifieds in the newspaper, there are tons of em, for free! It would be... rather stupid to keep and cherish a dead kitten when I could easily get a live one!

Goodness, by now most of us should understand how disappointing life is. From the little things like having to change plans, to the bigger things like break-ups and death. Life never works exactly the way we want it to. Why? Cause we can't see what's been planned for us, we have our own ideas and plans, and when they don't work out, we are incredibly sad. See though, if we could see what He has planned, we wouldn't be sad at all, cause we would know that everything is going exactly how it's supposed to be. Not a single mistake or disappointment, but everything flowing perfectly in line as He intended it. Wish I could see that. Hope His plan is incredible, cause mine seemed pretty damn good too.

I was sitting there, about an hour ago, listening to Brand New, because I hadn't in weeks and I wanted to so bad. Not caring how much it would hurt if I did. And I saw the friendship we could have. I could picture us, driving somewhere, anywhere together, laughing, best friends. No pain. No sense of loss. No awkwardness. Just us, like I do with all of my other close friends, driving down the road, singing along to some song (this time it was "Jesus Christ" by Brand New), laughing and having the time of our lives. I can't have what I planned anymore. I'm trying as hard as I can to accept that. And since I can't have that, I want what I just saw in my head, so bad. It almost seems just as good as my original plan. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it made me, for a few brief moment, immensely happy. I want that. Now.

Your one of my best friends. You know me better than 99% of everyone who knows me. I cannot lose you. You said you need me, I need you too. You know so much, and your such a part of me now, that to lose you completely is an unthinkable thing. Why else do you think I can't stay away? I've known you, for not too much longer than a year, and I feel like I grew up with you. That I met you in elementary school, or middle school, like my other closest friends. I could never survive without their friendship, so how could I ever survive without yours? It would kill me inside to not have it. That's why I want to start fixing it. To make the image in my head reality as soon as I can. And how is that possible? Time... and like I said before, time repairs, and will do so faster if you actively try to help it. I'll be as active as possible, as active in healing this as my brain will let me.

You have to see how hard I'm trying. If you looked that things how I see them, if you know me well at all, you could see how much it hurts, and still how hard I'm trying to feel better and move on. The whole situation is so sad. Not bitter, not angry, just sad. It's so freaking sad. I was probably mad about it for all of, I don't know, two or three days. Now I'm getting past the sadness, and the past. It's easier to accept it all every day. Though I will have my down days. The days when I cry myself to sleep. The days when I may deny every word I've just written. My relapse days. I'll have em, but even as I do, they will grow fewer and farther in between. Gosh I can't wait for that. I want it as soon as possible.

I want to live. I want to breath. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to get some actual control over what I feel for once. I'm going to take what I want, starting now.

Post-op

I've been tending these words for weeks
Scripting them in living breath
Mercilessly trying to erase
The cold embrace of death
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Can I still beat this yet?
Fighting for all that I hang to
Scraping at the edge

Some days I walk on the ground
While others have me walk on glass
On days I stand strong
I remind myself not to tear stitches
Move slowly and resist the infection
Keep going this delicate balance
Which no one understands

Living more afraid
With much less confidence
Flinching to brace for the next hit
Beaten down
Eyes cast up to look for the sun
Anxious to see what I will find
Trying to take what's given
Bring it needed oxygen
Before a flat line

I cherish so this blessing
Take it deep
Here now and to all time
Taking only as needed
Resting up as best I can
Transplants take time to heal
Guess for this placement
First, none, or last
I don't regret

The Secret Is Out

I knew it was true
What you knew
Swore you'd never known
But you know now
You know too well

And the secret is out
And the secret is out

The sky is colder
You look up now
Swore it was down
To find what you found
Underground

It's raining now
It's raining now

Fingers on glass
You retained their shape
Swore they melted away
Feel then fade

I've lost the day
I've lost the day

Days Are Numbers

Had a dream
Seemed long as the night
Broken put together
I'd breathe had I the time
For tears that burn
One, two, for you
In time our moment
While endless rivers run through
Could a heart be given?
Kept secure and safe?
Please retain this for me
And I'll hold fast
Find strength to follow through
Unceasing like the river
Sifting down
They all meet at the ocean
Those oceans will greet the shore
When the wind heads me that way
I will be home
With a message in a bottle
Words wrote
You will keep
Held against that heart
I will be present, but free

Jealousy

I wish there was no human need for it. It quite possibly may be the worst feeling aside from heartache. Especially when you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of. When you know the person you have loves you. When you know that any conversation that person has with another person is purely innocent on their end.

So why do I get jealous? Because the person talks to other people? Because the person can connect with others besides me? Because the person is friends with people who happen to have crushes on the person? What's wrong with me? How could I feel this type of petty jealousy? Is it really just part of being human, or is my head just fucked up? How can I stop?

The Despair Faction

Although I know you don't have to write about AFI related things here, I just wanted to share this entry I made in another blog of mine.

Tonight I visited the Thirty Seconds To Mars (one of my all time favorite bands) forum for only the second time, and I was looking through posts and rules, but I wasn't able to stay for very long. The rules were amazingly strict sounding and unwelcoming. I was seriously repelled. Although the posters were nice enough, I felt like I was reading a book, starting with the last chapter when I read through some of the topics. I couldn't get into it at all. It just seemed like a group of online friends talking, it didn't really seem like anything more (although avid posters of this forum may tell me differently, and I respect that, this was just my first impression).

The Despair Faction boards are the complete opposite. I never felt our of place, or alone there (I love how people often greet new members with "Welcome to the family"). Most people on the boards are wonderfully patient and will gladly help you if you have any problems. They don't put up with crap of coarse, and will tell you when your wrong... but it feels like a family. Even though I'm still not super close to any of them, I feel very at home. I feel connected to them. They are all very intelligent people, but usually don't show off or try to act like they are better than they really are. I have gotten into a few arguments, but nothing major or unforgivable.

I've always felt closer to AFI as a band. They do so much for their fans, and it's extremely apparent that they want to be as close to their fans as possible. After all, we are a faction, a family, and we are in this together. They seem to very much realize this. The BEGINTRANSMISSION contest is just one more way of them showing they care and want to meet their fans. Plus, their lyrics are just so personal, there isn't a single AFI song that I can't relate to. Their music makes you feel like your not alone, that someone has been through exactly what you've been through, and that it is possible to come out of the other side.

I want to become a DF member very soon, and the next time I get my hands on thirty dollars it will be the first thing I do. Just so I become an official member of this family, for life. It's an exceptionally small price to pay really.

To The Despair Faction: I love you all and I will hopefully be joining officially very soon!
To AFI: You have no idea how much you mean to me, and how much I'm looking forward to Crash Love!