Days Are Numbers

Had a dream
Seemed long as the night
Broken put together
I'd breathe had I the time
For tears that burn
One, two, for you
In time our moment
While endless rivers run through
Could a heart be given?
Kept secure and safe?
Please retain this for me
And I'll hold fast
Find strength to follow through
Unceasing like the river
Sifting down
They all meet at the ocean
Those oceans will greet the shore
When the wind heads me that way
I will be home
With a message in a bottle
Words wrote
You will keep
Held against that heart
I will be present, but free

Jealousy

I wish there was no human need for it. It quite possibly may be the worst feeling aside from heartache. Especially when you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of. When you know the person you have loves you. When you know that any conversation that person has with another person is purely innocent on their end.

So why do I get jealous? Because the person talks to other people? Because the person can connect with others besides me? Because the person is friends with people who happen to have crushes on the person? What's wrong with me? How could I feel this type of petty jealousy? Is it really just part of being human, or is my head just fucked up? How can I stop?

The Despair Faction

Although I know you don't have to write about AFI related things here, I just wanted to share this entry I made in another blog of mine.

Tonight I visited the Thirty Seconds To Mars (one of my all time favorite bands) forum for only the second time, and I was looking through posts and rules, but I wasn't able to stay for very long. The rules were amazingly strict sounding and unwelcoming. I was seriously repelled. Although the posters were nice enough, I felt like I was reading a book, starting with the last chapter when I read through some of the topics. I couldn't get into it at all. It just seemed like a group of online friends talking, it didn't really seem like anything more (although avid posters of this forum may tell me differently, and I respect that, this was just my first impression).

The Despair Faction boards are the complete opposite. I never felt our of place, or alone there (I love how people often greet new members with "Welcome to the family"). Most people on the boards are wonderfully patient and will gladly help you if you have any problems. They don't put up with crap of coarse, and will tell you when your wrong... but it feels like a family. Even though I'm still not super close to any of them, I feel very at home. I feel connected to them. They are all very intelligent people, but usually don't show off or try to act like they are better than they really are. I have gotten into a few arguments, but nothing major or unforgivable.

I've always felt closer to AFI as a band. They do so much for their fans, and it's extremely apparent that they want to be as close to their fans as possible. After all, we are a faction, a family, and we are in this together. They seem to very much realize this. The BEGINTRANSMISSION contest is just one more way of them showing they care and want to meet their fans. Plus, their lyrics are just so personal, there isn't a single AFI song that I can't relate to. Their music makes you feel like your not alone, that someone has been through exactly what you've been through, and that it is possible to come out of the other side.

I want to become a DF member very soon, and the next time I get my hands on thirty dollars it will be the first thing I do. Just so I become an official member of this family, for life. It's an exceptionally small price to pay really.

To The Despair Faction: I love you all and I will hopefully be joining officially very soon!
To AFI: You have no idea how much you mean to me, and how much I'm looking forward to Crash Love!

Pasta and spiders and dancing. Wow.

So on Friday, I'll be stuck with a bunch of six and seven year olds for seven and a half hours, half of that being outside on 'field day.' Essentially running around outside, and trying to avoid heat stroke. Little children love me. I don't really know why.

Then on Saturday, I will be at my grandma's with my mom's side of the family for a Father's Day lunch thingy. My cousins and I should play that game where we were pretending to be AFI. I was Jade, since someone told me that I'm a lot like him, once again, I don't really know why, and Ryan, who's almost 11, was Davey, Mike, who's 10, was Hunter, and little Marie, who's 9, was Adam. XD. No one in my family or AFI really is anywhere close to Adam or Marie's personality.

We were talking about having problems, and then Mike/Hunter told Ryan/Davey "Well you express your problems in your songs!" That was really funny. I mean Davey doesn't have problems, and he doesn't express them in his songs, and I definitely don't want to make fun of AFI, but we just joked around and acted stupid like we usually do the whole time. And made up "the spider dance." Don't even ask about the "circus in the woods," where there's (really) a black pond and (not really) an "old hermit that had liposuction who lives in a tattered blue tent." Don't. We definitely don't have overactive imaginations. Grandma has an interesting house... there's a rusty old chair that's been there for maybe fifteen or twenty years, of course the whole "circus in the woods" thing, and there's also a lot of barbed wire and piles of wooden structures that were broken down. Since she lives almost in the middle of nowhere, but sort of near Fort Bragg, which is a military fort, we can always here shooting and stuff.

Maybe kids love me because I go along with all their games. Maybe because we go to "circuses in the woods."

I was singing and dancing around the kitchen while waiting for water to boil. Oh how I love being home alone sometimes, or with my friends that tolerate/join in on weird things like that.

♥ Izzy.