questions, but no definite answers. yet.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Which is always a good thing, but, more specifically, thinking about subjects such as existence, the human thought process, time, etc. And the past.

As you live longer, you begin to find that sometimes, if you truly love someone, you just have to let them go. Along with that, to let grudges and mistakes go. Disconnect from dismal things, to the best of your ability. Know when things are worth fighting over. People can and will change, but don't always try to change them. Surround yourself with those you love and who love you in return. Carefully choose the people you show affection to. Love just a bit more in general, but be careful who you become emotionally attached to.

I know this is pretty much common sense for everyone, but I think we, as in the world in general, should adhere to this thing we know as "common sense" a bit more sometimes. It doesn't always seem so common.

I think I have a crush on one of my good friends, and the boy who I used to like has changed. They are always so awesome, for lack of a better term, and we share so many interests. (I love being vague.) Yet I confuse myself. I don't think I'll tell them for... a long time. Because with me, if I hold my feelings inside, and not show them too often, it tends to work out better.

I've also realized that I don't belong here. Maybe taking a really long road trip would be a good idea. Yet last time I tried to do that, it never really materialized. Money is an issue, so is parental consent. I want to go to Mesa and Phoenix, AZ and visit my family. A lot of them live there. Plus I have a close friend there.

Enough rambling.

Love,
Izzy

Well.

I don't really know anymore.

Things happened, I don't think I'm emotionally or mentally competent anymore, people are being irrational (as always), the world never ceases to greatly exacerbate me, and I'm still the imperfect mess that I'll always be.

As one of my dad's friends said, "Sometimes, I just want to spank myself because I spend so much time brooding and wasting energy over things that don't really matter."

And as a girl in my class (who is also in advanced English) said, "May you please come over here for I can ask you a question?" I have a strong desire to ask a lot of people questions. Those questions that you can't really ask. Such as, "Why did you do this?", "What is your problem?", etc.

When things are said, even if in a facetious way, that should not be said in the current predicament, sometimes more is damaged than known. I consider myself relatively magnanimous, and it's not like it doesn't ever take time for me to forgive people, but there are those who hold grudges for way too long, to the point where it simply turns the situation much worse than it ever needed to be.

I sincerely apologize if I seem terribly morose, but I've just been holding feelings inside for quite a while, and I assume that it's beginning to leak out.

In other news, I've decided that I'm going to learn bass. I'm still going to focus on guitar, yet I want to learn bass because it would be good to know. I plan on buying a Gibson Les Paul Studio, and then a random cheap bass. Cassidy has determined that she, Gina, and I talk extremely loud because we're part Italian. We've also determined that I am Geeky-germaphobic-guitar-Hispanic-nerdy-piano-procrastinating-viola Woman. I looked into my family history. Seriously, 80% of all my female ancestors that I know of are named Maria. We've traced a few people back into the 16th century. :D (Gaspar de Vera was born in 1861 in Nuevo España, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.)

If I combined all my female ancestors' first names and last names in my family that I know of, I would be Ana-Beatrice-Beatrize-Betty-Catilina-Elma-Francesca-Francisca-Gertrudes-Josefa-Juana-Junana-Karin-Lucia-Manuela-Maria-Miranda-Nepomucena-Paula-Teresa-Vicenta

Aragon-Armijo-Baca-Blea-Brito-Castillo-Chapa-Chaves-Clark-Diaz-Duran-de la Fuenta-Garcia-Holguin-Hurtado-de Jesus Ramirez-Jorge-Kropot-Kuczynski-de Losada-Lucero-Madrid-Moya-Nativiad-de Noriega-Parras-Porras-Ramirez-Romero-Sanchez-Sandoval-Segura-Qintana-Tapia-Ulibarri-Urioste-Vallejos-de la Vega-Vela-de Vera-de Verla

If I combined all the male names... :/ you don't want to know. This includes direct ancestors, not aunts or uncles.

Well, now that I wasted a few minutes of your life, I encourage you to go research your family history if you haven't done so already. All I found out is that EVERYONE was Mexican. Except back into the 16th century, there were a few people from Spain and Portugal/etc. It's pretty cool. I'm thinking I'm going to go by Sanchez one day, because that's my mom's maiden name and no one, absolutely no one, can spell or pronounce my last name without help. I've met about three people who could in my lifetime.

I just should change my name to Maria Sanchez. There. Because I don't like my first name either. I think it sounds like an old lady name. And, no, it's not Isabella. You know, I'm just about to completely give up on boys for a while. Or relationships, in general.

I'm such a messed up person.

Oh! And random quote time!

"That's all youth group is. Homosexuality and pain. Because, first, they made us see who could stick their feet in a bucket of ice the longest, and then they got the women counselors and some blindfolded boys had to feel their legs and guess who they were. But then they switched out a few of the women with men. So they made boys feel mens' hairy legs when they thought they were going to touch a woman's leg. That's just cruel and unjust." - Stephen.

Love,
Izzy

lately.

I transferred schools this year, the reasons being that it's much closer, and also, to use a euphemism, (several are used in this post), there were just some 'issues' for me at my old school. I won't go in-depth about those, because I may get strange glares if I do. [It's quite an extensive story, and if I explained it all, it would almost certainly confuse everyone that knows me even more.]

A few days ago, not only were my converse unmatched, (which was an accident and intentional at the same time), but I wore sunglasses the whole time during math and the teacher didn't notice. She was too busy talking about how her daughter took calculus three in tenth grade.

At school, this is what we did last year: literally run from place to place, live in constant fear of detention even if you didn't really do anything wrong, get pushed into a locker in the hallway because no one follows the rules of which hallways they're supposed to use, have thirty points taken off your grade because you did something like tape a piece of paper differently(actual occurrence), etc.

This is what we do this year: have friends like Austin that stand up and pull their pants down at random intervals, are extremely immature (not to say that the rest of us aren't), laugh at words like 'naked', and also do a variety of many other strange and inappropriate things. We have teachers that actually tell our friends to shut up, we go places we're not supposed to to prevent breaking a laptop and getting electrocuted, we sit in the closet for an hour and sometimes have deep conversations about life, and not have two to three hours of homework on an average day.

Lately, I've begun to realize that fairytales aren't real. [No, not Santa Claus or something. I passed the age of ten some time ago.] Quite a few of the things they've told me for so long, I am beginning to doubt and see how ridiculous and unrealistic they are. I feel much happier than I did a few weeks ago.

The new AFI album is simply amazing. It's far from what I had hoped for, but nevertheless, I love it. I have not actually gotten it, as it is in the mail and I am anxiously checking the tracking website about every ten seconds... Concert on October 19, in Richmond. Less than a month...

Honestly, I really don't know anymore. I likely have some of the strangest friends in the world, yet I love them to death.

We never can truly know who we are,

♥ Izzy.