This is What I Feel, and I Refuse to Let It Control Me Anymore

I'm alone. True, I have friends, family, teachers, etc, who care about me, love me, are there for me no matter what... it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel alone. I wasn't for a long time, and I am now. So what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can look for someone, but experience tells me, that the person will show up exactly when they want to and no sooner than that. Looking around every single corner I round for them will bring more disappointment than anything (though my stubbornness refuses to allow me to quit). I wont be alone in due time, when my time for love comes again. I know I want it to be soon, soon as possible. But then again, I always do. I'm emotionally needy. That will never change.

How do I feel less alone? Sad? Empty? Lost? Desperate? How do I make the memories stop haunting me? You can't tell me. No one can. Time heals wounds. Only time. It takes time, though mentally, I do believe you can truly effect how much time it will take to heal. The more active you are about your own healing, the less time it will take. Just like a wound heals faster with some antiseptic and a bandage. If you actually TRY to heal, the healing will work faster. Don't pick at your wounds, stitch them closed.

I suppose I've been fighting it a little bit. But who wouldn't? It's a whole lot to take in, and an immense amount of things to forget. Well, not to forget. I'm really not forgetting anything. I'm just, sort of taking everything, remembering it, processing it, and filing it away. Putting it in storage. Make them distant. And as time goes, I'll make more memories, which make the old even more distant, and make filing everything else away that much easier. And then, when I look back, well, I just think "Awww, I remember when", not "I miss those days", or "What if". What if sucks. Never let that become a stable part of your vocabulary. It's the question to which you will never know the answer. And I hate not knowing the answers to things. So it's just better for me to not ask that question.

Besides, how could I ever possibly benefit from any of this? From holding onto this? It's like a dead kitten. Sure it was cute and fun while it was alive, but it got sick, it's gone now, and there is nothing you can do about it. Do you really want to try to play with a dead kitten? To try to feed one? I know from anatomy class that dead cats are just... gross. I would must rather have a live one, thanks. And no, I may not find another kitten I really like for awhile, but it's not like my kitten was the last kitten on earth. There are plenty of em. Hell, just look in the classifieds in the newspaper, there are tons of em, for free! It would be... rather stupid to keep and cherish a dead kitten when I could easily get a live one!

Goodness, by now most of us should understand how disappointing life is. From the little things like having to change plans, to the bigger things like break-ups and death. Life never works exactly the way we want it to. Why? Cause we can't see what's been planned for us, we have our own ideas and plans, and when they don't work out, we are incredibly sad. See though, if we could see what He has planned, we wouldn't be sad at all, cause we would know that everything is going exactly how it's supposed to be. Not a single mistake or disappointment, but everything flowing perfectly in line as He intended it. Wish I could see that. Hope His plan is incredible, cause mine seemed pretty damn good too.

I was sitting there, about an hour ago, listening to Brand New, because I hadn't in weeks and I wanted to so bad. Not caring how much it would hurt if I did. And I saw the friendship we could have. I could picture us, driving somewhere, anywhere together, laughing, best friends. No pain. No sense of loss. No awkwardness. Just us, like I do with all of my other close friends, driving down the road, singing along to some song (this time it was "Jesus Christ" by Brand New), laughing and having the time of our lives. I can't have what I planned anymore. I'm trying as hard as I can to accept that. And since I can't have that, I want what I just saw in my head, so bad. It almost seems just as good as my original plan. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it made me, for a few brief moment, immensely happy. I want that. Now.

Your one of my best friends. You know me better than 99% of everyone who knows me. I cannot lose you. You said you need me, I need you too. You know so much, and your such a part of me now, that to lose you completely is an unthinkable thing. Why else do you think I can't stay away? I've known you, for not too much longer than a year, and I feel like I grew up with you. That I met you in elementary school, or middle school, like my other closest friends. I could never survive without their friendship, so how could I ever survive without yours? It would kill me inside to not have it. That's why I want to start fixing it. To make the image in my head reality as soon as I can. And how is that possible? Time... and like I said before, time repairs, and will do so faster if you actively try to help it. I'll be as active as possible, as active in healing this as my brain will let me.

You have to see how hard I'm trying. If you looked that things how I see them, if you know me well at all, you could see how much it hurts, and still how hard I'm trying to feel better and move on. The whole situation is so sad. Not bitter, not angry, just sad. It's so freaking sad. I was probably mad about it for all of, I don't know, two or three days. Now I'm getting past the sadness, and the past. It's easier to accept it all every day. Though I will have my down days. The days when I cry myself to sleep. The days when I may deny every word I've just written. My relapse days. I'll have em, but even as I do, they will grow fewer and farther in between. Gosh I can't wait for that. I want it as soon as possible.

I want to live. I want to breath. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to get some actual control over what I feel for once. I'm going to take what I want, starting now.

gagged to a chair it's so unfair...

so I've finally got a band type thing.

we're tentatively called Warning for Grey, we're pop-punk-rock, and I am the bassist/violinist/co-singer. my nickname/stage name is St. Jimmy (long story), my friend (guitarist and co-singer) is Gloria, and our pianist is Fruit Loop. we've got a gothy-grungy girl (me) a dark!prep-type girl (Gloria) and a bright happy colorful chick (Fruit Loop). we're kinda strange, but... hey.

we also have the strangest influences, and none of 'em line up. I have the longest list of singers/bassists who inspire me (bassists... Mike Dirnt and Hunter Burgan and Flea, 'course) who run the line of punk/alternative (a hint of industrial) and then they have, like the Jonas Brothers. but then again Gloria got her nickityname from the Patti Smith song of the same name so...

we just need to run Warning for Grey past Fruit and we'll be set. well, then again, I actually need a bass... and for my lil bro to approve being our drummer (he'd have a metal influence)

so anyway, Warning for Grey is like the weirdest band ever. if you happen to live *here* and ya see us advertising for like a show wherever, get the eff over there kay?


other names we though up were "Warning for Ezekiel" "Warning for Ezekiel Grey" "Warning for Misery" "High School Punk Club" "Pasalacqua" etc.

~suki

If you see odd-looking kids with a giant cd/cassette player/radio thing from the mid-90s, lettuce, a plastic jackolantern, and a collection of other random objects, dancing in the middle of the street, that's probably my friends and I. I'm the one with the weirdly-colored-orangey-brown hair (that was an accident at summer camp involving hair-highlighting stuff which you're not really supposed to use if you have black hair because it turns your hair orange. It used to be bright orange, but then my mom dyed it to look more natural and the dye faded some.) and a bunch of books on math, psychology, and other random stuff. And probably an instrument case.

I don't know why, but I just had to say that. Recent occurrences. Yay for condensing the past few weeks into four sentences!

I guess it's safe to say that my band is getting off the ground. To me, it's extremely strange to think that we could actually get somewhere with it, as in, record an album and play shows. (And we are planning for both of those things next year.) Yet, a possibility. The idea of a band has been circulating around my group of friends and I for maybe, three years now. Honestly, it doesn't even seem real. We've been having problems getting a bassist and a guy singer, but we're almost sure we've found our bassist. The singer, however, is not exactly secured. We've been trying to find a guy to sing, because Audrey (sitarist/drummer) said that she envisioned a guy singing some of the songs, and a girl singing others. (Which would probably end up being me.) The following is what would most likely happen with the lineup when Audrey was playing sitar. Somehow, it seems as if it would miraculously work out. (Because, obviously, you can't play drums at the same time. As far as I know, she hasn't grown two more arms.) The bassist, who coincidentally plays drums, would be the drummer. Then the guy singer, who coincidentally plays bass, would also be the bassist. And I will be playing guitar, no matter what odd lineup situations we configure.

Hoping to tour next year. As in, play some shows fairly close by. No further away than an hour, most likely. We all have to start somewhere, and some of us have parents, and other various hindrances, including school, location, etc.

I still can't believe it's happening, though. So I don't have to bore you with updates for this band, you can follow along here, because updates will be posted much more frequently there. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm really excited about what this could become. I have no ambitions of us being famous or something, but, to me, making a record and playing shows with a halfway-decent band is something to be proud of.

love,
Izzy

I have decided their should be a movie about how ridiculous my life is.
Strange things always happen to me.
Or really good things will happen right after something really bad happens.
Such as not being able to go to the NYC afi show, yet then I was a runner up in the Zukin(pumpkin carving) contest thus winning a shirt.
My schools registration site stopped working right when I had to register for class, so I decide to run up to the registration office to kick some ass (I hope I can say ass here?). So I get there.. and there are about 30 - 40 other really angry kids that had similar registration times as I did. To make a long and painful story short, they ended up hand-registering people and ignoring the website thing, but I was still there for 3 hours. The good thing after that was I won a macbeth shirt via facebook. That was pretty cool.
I am sure there are several other examples but it is 8 am and my brain is not working properly.

When we build these dreams on sand, how they all slip through our hands.

I've been really, really stressed out over the past week. Mainly due to several things: procrastination, full schedules, forgetting things, and our crazy little band project. Honestly, I don't know what direction it's going in. We have Audrey, who plays sitar (look it up) and is learning drums, and I could sing or play guitar and viola. [And about the viola: it's named Sam. I have no idea why, but it is. So Sam had to have some minor adjustments because someone messed up when they fixed it before. (In other words, they set the sound post incorrectly.) I gave Sam to my viola teacher twos Fridays before last, and he said it would probably be back on Saturday. It was not. They had to do other minor adjustments. And once again, it was not my fault. I got Sam back yesterday. Apparently the guy who is fixing it has a lot of work to do or something.]

And then I might get a new guitar sometime in the somewhat-near future. (Maybe in a few months/a year or so.) The main problems with our band are that a) we don't have a bassist. b) the name is unoriginal, and c) we probably need another singer because I'd probably get confused and start singing the chord names if I was the singer and guitarist. All the people I know that play bass opted out of being in any form of band. So we'll have to ask everyone we know if they know someone that plays bass. And I just found out that I have a bunch of friends that know a guy in my grade that plays bass and apparently his band broke up a while ago. But I don't know him. And walking up to him and saying "Hey, all my friends know you. You play bass, right? Would you like to be in my band?" would be kinda creepy. Let's just hope I have him in a class next trimester, because it ends next week, and that way I could get to know him and then The name of our band is "Nameless Elegy," and we think we've finally found the perfect name. It actually just became that today, but is has had several variations, including "Nameless," there were too many bands called that and it wasn't creative, "Nameless Sorrow", which was just plainly bad for the type of music we're playing, "Nameless Lost", which just doesn't sound good, "We The Nameless", which is not good because we're not writing The Constitution, and several others like that. It's not that we don't have anything together, we already have several complete songs that do require a bassist. Audrey can write really, really good bass parts for some reason. And our lyrics... sometimes they mean something to us, sometimes we don't know what the song is about until we're done. For instance, Audrey recently wrote a song about a homeless guy who stalks his ex-girlfriend. She did not intend it to be about that, of course. Yet, believe it or not, it's still a nice song. It's not obvious it's about that, it could very easily be about a lot of things.

And playing Girl's Not Grey and Give It All on Rock Band at 3-4 AM is superamazing. Especially when I'm the singer and my voice is messed up from screaming for several hours on end. (And apparently, I'm usually a really good singer.) And I got punched in the face by a little girl because all the lights were off and she probably thought I was one of those boys jumping out and scaring people during a Sardines game (like reverse hide and seek, where one person hides and everyone tries to find them and then hides with them.) This was at a lock-in at a church with some friends on Friday night. I fell asleep on a couch for 20 minutes. Literally. And then I woke up about 5:50 to kids running around and screaming like they lost their heads. Fun, I know.

Last night I went roller skating. I haven't been in forever. Surprisingly, I didn't fall fifty times, only about five. We skated around in a giant chain of four or five people most of the time.

[My teachers would have killed me for this, but yay for disorganization...] Audrey, from our band, is coming over today and we're going to work out songs, and maybe record something, because we have the equipment, but it's not likely that we will. But possible. Now we have a blog, too! I promise it will be interesting, and updated fairly frequently, because this project is being worked on. Click.

Sorry for the length also,

♥ Izzy

I was required to write a blog for school. Go figure, I hope you don't mind it:

Sex, Drugs but no Rock and Roll? C is for Corruption:
My first day at Bishop Brady High School consisted of ridicule and antagonizing classmates. Why? I wore a black tee shirt that had a band’s name on the front. Someone forgot to tell me that this was unacceptable--at least to the student population. Needless to say that I stood out like a sore thumb. I can not consider myself a graduate of a Catholic High School, because this would require two things of me: A. to have gone to Catholic School for four years, and B. Accepting the practices and injustices of the Catholic School System.
After the first day of school, all students were required to wear the school uniform: navy, green or white polo shirt with either khaki pants or a plaid skirt all provided by the school. For some absurd reason, I still was known as the “Goth” kid; I just did not fit in with everyone else. The more I tried to find out why, the more I decided I did not want to be anything like them.
Corrupt is a good word to describe the teaching staff at a Catholic High School. Teachers do not need a teaching degree, all they need is to know someone important at the school and then they get a job. The gym teacher in 2004 was fired (for having sexual relations in the kitchen with the typing teacher), and was replaced by the principal’s son—a stoner who dropped out of college. He would come to class smelling like marijuana and alcohol and no one did anything about it. Why would they? Most of the kids were smoking with him.
This pot problem did not stop with the principal’s son; her daughter also would smoke like a chimney. I can not recall the number of times I would walk into the girls locker room and see her in the far corner with one of her “bffs” smoking some sort of drug combination.
Drinking and engaging in sexual activities on school grounds was also a common occurrence. What did the school do about it? Almost nothing. They tried to suspend kids for it, but once they found out the principal’s daughter and the vice principal’s daughter were involved they turned a blind eye. To make a long story short; Bishop Brady High School refused to report alcohol and drug use on the campus, thus breaking a few laws, and they refused to discipline anyone engaging in other activities that inappropriate for school.
Now, if these students were willing to engage in such activities at school, one can only imagine what they were willing to do in the comfort of their own home--or lack of comfort.
The thing that I, to this day, never understand was why people would disrespect their body, mind and their relationships just for a short “high”. People who need drugs and sex to make them happy need to start listing to better music.

Post-op

I've been tending these words for weeks
Scripting them in living breath
Mercilessly trying to erase
The cold embrace of death
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Can I still beat this yet?
Fighting for all that I hang to
Scraping at the edge

Some days I walk on the ground
While others have me walk on glass
On days I stand strong
I remind myself not to tear stitches
Move slowly and resist the infection
Keep going this delicate balance
Which no one understands

Living more afraid
With much less confidence
Flinching to brace for the next hit
Beaten down
Eyes cast up to look for the sun
Anxious to see what I will find
Trying to take what's given
Bring it needed oxygen
Before a flat line

I cherish so this blessing
Take it deep
Here now and to all time
Taking only as needed
Resting up as best I can
Transplants take time to heal
Guess for this placement
First, none, or last
I don't regret

Hello Blog! It's been a while hasn't it?

This is only a quick update for now, but I'll try and post another later in the week. I've moved on from Health and Social Care to Art and Design and I'm still not happy! Isn't life funny? My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 and a half years now and we're happy(ish, but I'll elaborate some other time). There's so much I want to write, but it's nearly half past one in the morning and I have a half-finished essay and a sketchbook due in tomorrow. The joys of being an art student...

x

Halloween and such...

It's been a long time Cottonheads. :[
I feel horrible for abandoning you, but now I'm back, and crazier then ever!

Halloween was last Saturday. Let me just tell you, greatest holiday ever. I had way too much fun. Now, not only have I discovered that I am a "fucking adorable" ninja with a gun, but I can also get out of sticky situations quick like a bunny.

On Friday night I ended up staying up 23 hours, lost my mind, and had a phone conversation that I can now no longer remember.
On Halloween day I found out that I love my friends more then ever. Halloween night we all went to our schools Halloween dance with no high hopes, our schools dances fail miserably and are usually all rap with Sandstorm thrown in there somewhere. Out of nowhere I hear the beginning of the Time Warp. I am a flipping Rocky Horror whore, I love it like crazy. Anyway, hearing this made we bolt away from the group of people I came with into the darkness of our black out auditorium to find my fellow Rocky Whore, Mica. After screaming her name a few times she pops up out of no where and drags me across the room to where they are SHOWING THE SCENE. This is the pont where I flip the fuck out and tear off everything that I could without getting suspended. Shoes, gloves, scarf, all those juicy bits are gone. Now Here I am, in front of more then 200 people, with maybe five other kids doing the Time Warp and screaming 'group sex'. Little did I know our principle watched the whole thing >.<

So we left the dance early, after the "Time Warp" we knew it would only go downhill. On our way home we decided to stop by the local Kroger to pick up some half off candy. After finding our loots we were about to check out when these three girls come in wearing the skankiest costumes ever. Okay, they weren't really, but one of them was wearing a Robin costume. I swear to all that is holy her nipples were falling out of her shirt, so as we passed them I stated a fact rather too loudly "Or let your nipples hang out, that's cool too..."
No more then five minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. Here's some girl, she was a pretty girl, but she was a bigger girl. A REALLY big girl, wearing close to nothing. She looks me dead in the eyes and in the whiniest voice I have ever heard "Did you just call my best friend a... SLUT?" At this point we're screwed, these girls looked like bad news. If we didn't act fast, If I didn't act fast, we were doomed, they'd try to stomp us then and there. I looked over to my friends for help. At this point they all looked like nuns, clothed from neck to ankle, halo and folded hands, (backstabbers). I thought we were screwed, we were gonna die in Kroger, but then I saw Carolyn. Sweet little Carolyn whom of which we'd been calling a French hooker all night. Her top was low enough!
"Oh no, no! I was just making fun of my friend, her top's been really low all night!" (her cleavage wasn't even showing >.<)
"Ohhhhhh, okay!!!" The three girls walked away, we lived, and they still didn't get that I never said she wasn't a whore.


Moral of the story is, If you are going to do the Time Warp in public, look around before you start screaming your fondness for 'group sex'.
Another moral is that if you are going to call other girls sluts, be sure to have a skanky friend to help bail you out. :D


Alex {{{I love my best friends, even my fellow slut ninja with a gun}}} Lee


P.S. Sandstorm is an amazing dance song, the only real techno song they ever play, I'm still not sure why, no one seems to like it but me and my friends.

P.S.S. Yes, I did in fact call your friend a slut, tape dem nippies in!