Recipe for Getting On a Teacher's Nerves

[we had to write a 'recipe poem' for class. i was sleepy.]

* 1 cup of random outbursts
* 2 tbsp of ridiculous questions.
* 1 tbsp senseless answers
* 1 tsp illegible handwriting
* 32 oz caffeinated drinks
* 1/4 cup falling out of chair frequently
* 3 tbsp wandering around the classroom
* 2 tsp spontaneous funny faces and dancing
* 16 oz uncalled for humming and snapping
* 3 cups being a smart-aleck
* 5 shakes of periodically announcing to the class that they just lost The Game.

I'm good at making people laugh. (If you don't know what "The Game" is, it's just something we do where if you think of it, you lose it. Entirely pointless. :D)

In other news, I've been writing songs for my band. We want to try to get on Warped Tour within the next few years. I asked my mom, and she said she'd let me go if we got in. She's starting to get more supportive. Today we looked at Les Paul Studios. I like this one. Although, I'm unsure. Maybe one of these instead. She asked the salesman a lot of questions about financing. There's a $100 mail-in rebate we can get. So the first one would be $1,299. I'd still be $600 short, as of now. Although, there's layaway. I know I can get a few hundred this year, with babysitting (hey, it's more flexible than an actual job. and kids love me.) and birthday money and such. Audrey (drummer/sitarist) is coming over Monday and we're going to work everything out. And I am going to return her pants, that have been at my house for months. She left them once, and we keep forgetting. Anyways, I'm definitely getting a Les Paul Studio in the near future.

Cover of Holiday by Green Day soon? I think so. And I recently started a tumblr, here.

Love,
Izzy
[PS - My mom wants me to go by my first name, (which is not Izzy, that's derived from my middle name), and it gets kind of awkward and embarrassing when people find out my first name because it's so far from Izzy, so I'm going to go by Carly next school year. But you can still call me Izzy if you want to.]

Break?

So now I am on spring break. But it really is not much of a break because I am searching for a school to transfer too. And working on a million things. I can't wait until sumer break - except I have to try and get ether a job or an internship =/
I've decided I am far too busy to finish this blog.

questions, but no definite answers. yet.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Which is always a good thing, but, more specifically, thinking about subjects such as existence, the human thought process, time, etc. And the past.

As you live longer, you begin to find that sometimes, if you truly love someone, you just have to let them go. Along with that, to let grudges and mistakes go. Disconnect from dismal things, to the best of your ability. Know when things are worth fighting over. People can and will change, but don't always try to change them. Surround yourself with those you love and who love you in return. Carefully choose the people you show affection to. Love just a bit more in general, but be careful who you become emotionally attached to.

I know this is pretty much common sense for everyone, but I think we, as in the world in general, should adhere to this thing we know as "common sense" a bit more sometimes. It doesn't always seem so common.

I think I have a crush on one of my good friends, and the boy who I used to like has changed. They are always so awesome, for lack of a better term, and we share so many interests. (I love being vague.) Yet I confuse myself. I don't think I'll tell them for... a long time. Because with me, if I hold my feelings inside, and not show them too often, it tends to work out better.

I've also realized that I don't belong here. Maybe taking a really long road trip would be a good idea. Yet last time I tried to do that, it never really materialized. Money is an issue, so is parental consent. I want to go to Mesa and Phoenix, AZ and visit my family. A lot of them live there. Plus I have a close friend there.

Enough rambling.

Love,
Izzy

Well.

I don't really know anymore.

Things happened, I don't think I'm emotionally or mentally competent anymore, people are being irrational (as always), the world never ceases to greatly exacerbate me, and I'm still the imperfect mess that I'll always be.

As one of my dad's friends said, "Sometimes, I just want to spank myself because I spend so much time brooding and wasting energy over things that don't really matter."

And as a girl in my class (who is also in advanced English) said, "May you please come over here for I can ask you a question?" I have a strong desire to ask a lot of people questions. Those questions that you can't really ask. Such as, "Why did you do this?", "What is your problem?", etc.

When things are said, even if in a facetious way, that should not be said in the current predicament, sometimes more is damaged than known. I consider myself relatively magnanimous, and it's not like it doesn't ever take time for me to forgive people, but there are those who hold grudges for way too long, to the point where it simply turns the situation much worse than it ever needed to be.

I sincerely apologize if I seem terribly morose, but I've just been holding feelings inside for quite a while, and I assume that it's beginning to leak out.

In other news, I've decided that I'm going to learn bass. I'm still going to focus on guitar, yet I want to learn bass because it would be good to know. I plan on buying a Gibson Les Paul Studio, and then a random cheap bass. Cassidy has determined that she, Gina, and I talk extremely loud because we're part Italian. We've also determined that I am Geeky-germaphobic-guitar-Hispanic-nerdy-piano-procrastinating-viola Woman. I looked into my family history. Seriously, 80% of all my female ancestors that I know of are named Maria. We've traced a few people back into the 16th century. :D (Gaspar de Vera was born in 1861 in Nuevo España, Nuevo Leon, Mexico.)

If I combined all my female ancestors' first names and last names in my family that I know of, I would be Ana-Beatrice-Beatrize-Betty-Catilina-Elma-Francesca-Francisca-Gertrudes-Josefa-Juana-Junana-Karin-Lucia-Manuela-Maria-Miranda-Nepomucena-Paula-Teresa-Vicenta

Aragon-Armijo-Baca-Blea-Brito-Castillo-Chapa-Chaves-Clark-Diaz-Duran-de la Fuenta-Garcia-Holguin-Hurtado-de Jesus Ramirez-Jorge-Kropot-Kuczynski-de Losada-Lucero-Madrid-Moya-Nativiad-de Noriega-Parras-Porras-Ramirez-Romero-Sanchez-Sandoval-Segura-Qintana-Tapia-Ulibarri-Urioste-Vallejos-de la Vega-Vela-de Vera-de Verla

If I combined all the male names... :/ you don't want to know. This includes direct ancestors, not aunts or uncles.

Well, now that I wasted a few minutes of your life, I encourage you to go research your family history if you haven't done so already. All I found out is that EVERYONE was Mexican. Except back into the 16th century, there were a few people from Spain and Portugal/etc. It's pretty cool. I'm thinking I'm going to go by Sanchez one day, because that's my mom's maiden name and no one, absolutely no one, can spell or pronounce my last name without help. I've met about three people who could in my lifetime.

I just should change my name to Maria Sanchez. There. Because I don't like my first name either. I think it sounds like an old lady name. And, no, it's not Isabella. You know, I'm just about to completely give up on boys for a while. Or relationships, in general.

I'm such a messed up person.

Oh! And random quote time!

"That's all youth group is. Homosexuality and pain. Because, first, they made us see who could stick their feet in a bucket of ice the longest, and then they got the women counselors and some blindfolded boys had to feel their legs and guess who they were. But then they switched out a few of the women with men. So they made boys feel mens' hairy legs when they thought they were going to touch a woman's leg. That's just cruel and unjust." - Stephen.

Love,
Izzy

I can't stand how whenever you make a password now you have to add numbers in it - but everyone has different requirements
"there needs to be more then one number" "Can include symbols" "Symbols don't count but caps do" >.<
It makes me mad when I have to log in and out of things and it takes me 5 tries because I forget what their regulations are.

On a side note - we bought a TV today but the people who delivered it had no idea how to instal it. o_O Wth. We bought the tv from a tv store that said their employees all know how to instal these systems.

Now I have to edit/make a film about my bestest friend. I think I want it to be happy and sad at the same time. I hope I get points for making people cry/laugh.

i must have done something wrong, or maybe pissed off god.

Well, now... not way too much has happened since my last update, other than typical teenage drama, pretty much. Except:
1) My grandpa died on Wednesday.
2) I have terrible luck with everything. Except the Saints won the Superbowl. Other than that, everything's gone wrong. Honestly. But it can, and will, eventually get better.

...and, well, there's been a few good/funny things that happened.

1) The substitute teacher accidentally called Daniel Danielle.
2) Gordan, Sean, and I are changing our names on facebook to Backothebus. The conversation at our lunch table went something like this:
Gordan: I don't get why they aren't letting boys and girls sit next to each other on the bus.
Me: They're afraid that kids will start kissing or something.
Sean: Yeah, like ten people got in trouble last year on a field trip for, um, doing something.
Gordan: I heard about that... they caught someone doing it on the bus.
Me: Okay, now first of all, why would you do that, and second, how would you do that?
Gordan: Apparently they were laying down on the floor... and kids are just stupid. I'm sorry, but we are. We, as in ourselves, are not that kind of stupid, though...
Sean: True, true. But there's also the back of the bus, there's three or four seats back there. Still. Who would be dumb enough to try that?
Me: Uh, teenagers... yeah, a lot of bad crap happens there.
Gordan: HAHA, BACK OF THE BUS. THE KIDS BACK THERE ALWAYS HAVE DRUGS AND STUFF AND NONE OF THE TEACHERS CARE.
Sean: You would know, wouldn't you. And that's definitely our new inside joke. Let's all change our names on facebook to Back-of-the-bus.
Gordan: No, Backothebus.
3) Stella, out of the blue: Do you want a cookie?
Me: Uh, no, they have dairy and eggs, which I do not consume, and you have absolutely no idea how creepy that sounded.
4) Liz to Ruthie (kidding, of course): STOP TOUCHING ME. I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU.
Liz later: Seriously stop it. I AM GOING TO THROW YOU OUT YOUR WINDOW ON YOUR SLED, AND YOU WILL FALL DOWN YOUR ROOF AND THAT STEEP HILL IN YOUR BACKYARD, AND INTO A CREEK WITH SHARP ROCKS.
Liz again: Ruthie, I am going to tie you to a tree and hit you with a belt repeatedly.
5) Good stuff has happened. But people are being confusing. Stating the obvious is fun.

...anyways, we're almost at 150 posts, and I believe the blog will hit its first anniversary on February 28th. I think that's relatively awesome.

Love,
Izzy

STATic

I found, there's nothing to this underneath
Just a fight for lives uncertain 
No matter what happens the outcome feels the same
So if I hurry
I'll still be here all the same
I was kidding myself to think
That a hospital bed with wheels
Meant a smoother recovery
Or that every time the vital signs drop
That the doctor will find medication in time

We were all left wondering where the quality of life went
Hooked up to a thousand machines
Everyone would like to think they'd help
But they only preserve the dead
On the days when I'm breathing
Or the days when I'm gasping
It all reads the same
I'm living
At the cost

Cause I'm done here
My life's lost most of it's recognition
For most my wounds are nothing now
Their friends been gone so long
That the cards and balloons are further in between
A way of life, no longer an emergency 
I'm living like this everyday
Like the beep on the LCD
Never stops, and when it dose, CPR is administered
All the same
Everyday
My walls are white
The color I'll never see

"get your pants off the ground!"

Frequently, my friends and I demonstrate irrational stupidity that probably no one ever thought possible. Examples include the following:

Cassidy and I were messing with textbooks in math because we already thoroughly knew the material and had nothing better to do. The textbooks all fell onto the floor. We picked them up. Then somehow, we grabbed wrists and I fell and knocked over Austin's desk. Then Gordan ran through the hallway singing about windows. Later, he tried a piece of dark chocolate, and was very melodramatic about how bad it tastes. Cassidy and another friend thought it was fine. It was only 70% cacao... Austin layed down on the floor in math for about ten minutes. The teacher didn't notice. Stella and I walked into school very solemnly, with dark sunglasses on. Several friends of ours decided to yell out revolting things at random intervals. At the end of the day, Stella, Amanda, and I all hugged each other. Amanda would not let go for seriously, five minutes or so. Relatively awkward. Stella and I said multiple times "Hey, Amanda, I love you too, but I really need to go home now." I have an unshakeable feeling that we'll always be little children deep inside.

Not too much has happened recently, other than I reconnected with some old friends, and bought tickets to see AFI in Charlotte, on March 13th. I actually paid for all the tickets this time. It was definitely worth it. I probably won't see them again for at least two years. And the concert is on a weekend.

Love,
Izzy

Irrational but awesome!

Life is silly.
Trying to decide if I want to be rational and logical or irrational and happy.
Let you know further information by the end of next week on my decision.
Off to sell everything.
Except not everything.

Pizza, Complaining, Credits, Complaining,

I am going to attempt to blog more often - why - because I have nothing else to do with my life.

I have been on vacation sense mid-December and I have failed to do anything productive - except decide what I want to do with my life.

First off: first semester of college was terrible - Not terrible by normal college freshman standards. No. Terrible enough that if everyone I knew put their worst college experience in a pot and stirred it around for 20 minutes my first semester would still have been worse.
- Maybe I am over exaggerating. - But it was pretty terrible.
Where to start... Orientation: I made one friend who I proceeded to lose by the next day. Then we were supposed to go to lunch with our advisors - I was planning on skipping that day of orientation but figured meeting my advisor would be a good thing. My advisor did not show up (and they also announced that 50 kids did not have their advisor as a teacher .. I was one of those 50 kids) We paraded around for hours doing a scavenger hunt while my orientation leader was a self centered baby who wanted everyone to pay attention to her, then getting dragged to a lunch - by this time I was cranky, hungry and tired. They proceeded to have the lunch arrive an hour late, I stayed because they said I could eat something. No. We all get in line - and all they got were pizzas. And like 6 small salads- because I was at the end of a 300+ kid line I decided I mine as well take the 20 minute hike back to my dorm. - Yes there is no reason for me to complain about that, not that big of a deal. But the little things add up!. The next major thing we did or orientation was this "boat cruse" thing where they put us on a boat and drove around the harbor for a few hours in the freezing cold. - I didn't manage to find anyone I felt like talking to so I sat with one of my roommates the whole night as she texted her boyfriend. Oh yea. MY PHONE FELL OFF THE BOAT! Spash! Right into the Boston Harbor. So I asked the people in charge of the ship when we were going back because they kept giving us terrible times. It was probably 9pm at this point - they said they decided instead of 10 they want to go in at 11. >.< (Oh yea- Couldn't eat any of the boat food ether after them insisting they did and it would be a wonderful time just to get me to pay the 40 bucks to go)
First day of classes - low and behold they messed up my schedule. What I signed up for was not on there -so I go over to the registration office and they tell me "oh yeah. Some kids schedules got messed up but we didn't have time to tell them so we just gave them what was left" Thanks for the heads up. All my classes were alright -except my teachers were all crazy.. To make a long story short - I don't think I accomplished anything all semester.
So semester two class picking time rolls around - we were supposed to meet our advisors (again). They all had assigned rooms - but my advisor decided she wanted to do it in her office. So after absentmindedly wandering around the school I found her - she then told me she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing cos she never went to any of the meetings and she doesn't check her school email. Brilliant! So she signs my forms - later I figure out that the classes I signed up for don't exists because the school emailed us all the wrong information. My advisor failed to tell me this - thankfully my roommates happened to have good advisors. So the day comes where we are supposed to sign up for classes - so they use the freshmen as test dummys and try this new computer program. they happened to forget they have the worst server in the whole world - so it crashed. So I go up to the registration office in my pjs - along with 50 other kids and they keep trying to tell us it will be up soon - but every time it comes up it crashes because the next "wave" of kids tries to sign up. After spending 5+ hours in the registration office I got signed up for classes and had to run to my class.

I apologize for all the complaining but I need to get it out.

So aside from classes I have been trying to get out of paying a ton of money for a meal plan that I can't use because there is no food I can eat. First - the people I try to contact refuse to get back to me - once my parents get involved they say I have to do all of it - well I would have if they ANSWERED ME! So I got a doctors note - they decided that I still had to pay - so I got a second doctors note and told them I was not going to pay the meal plan money for the bill - they keep sending me a bill for the meal money now even though they got the letter. I am going to kick someone in the mouth if they send me another bill.

Now I am trying to get out of there asap because if I leave I will have too many problems: They are a pass fail school, They have their own "curriculum" that liberal art schools/universities don't have, it is cheeper than the other art schools I would go to, so if I leave I wasted a whole semester (year) of school. But they only let you take 18 credits a semester where I am - so I have to take summer/winter classes so that I can graduate early and then go to grad school because with out it I won't have a job >.<

Now on top of all this I don't have anywhere to live next year >.<

But I am done ranting for now.

due to sleep deprivation.

I've realized that I have some ridiculous ambitions. Of course, almost everyone does. Here are some of mine: 1. Get into a nice college absolutely nowhere near here. 2. Have enough AP classes so that when I get there, I'll be counted as a sophomore when I'm a freshman, and therefore graduate earlier. Actually, that's not that crazy for me as of now. I have a friend who did that. I don't have too long... scary. 3. Get somewhere with this band and prove all those people who said we couldn't wrong. 4. Change someone's life. 5. Change the world.

On second thought, most of those aren't too crazy. Then again, I'm often considered relentlessly optimistic. As much as I hate saying this, I honestly think I've matured quite a bit over the past year or so. Although, I'm afraid that I have the heart of a six year old, hence putting the spongy dinosaurs in the toilet, and I doubt that will ever change, yet it's not necessarily a bad thing. A little more than half a year ago, I almost died. Since then, I've found new meaning to life and learned that there's always tomorrow, and that I don't have to act, look, or think like anyone else. A few months ago, I thought I was being different, yet I was still clinging to a group of people that were all the exact same. I think I've begun to understand people, and possibly even myself just a little bit more.

Many will say that you don't have to love everyone. Yet I think I do, somehow. Even as bad as a person may seem, there's got to be some good in them somewhere. Yes, I love you even if I don't know you at all. I do realize I'm excessively strange. I do not hate any person in this world, I might just strongly dislike some of their actions.

The world, in general, fascinates me. Next year, I hope to meet more people and possibly travel some. All I know for sure is that I need a change of scenery. I only have a few years left in this city, though. I need a roadtrip that lasts for a month or a few. We totally need a DF roadtrip, for those of us in it. Bring about 60 people. Go all over the country. Someone go get a bus driver's permit and a bus. Next summer. Totally. Kayla (glassspiderwebs on the DF and twitter) and I have already discussed this, and we officially declare it to be one of the best ideas ever. :) Drive all over the country and pick 50-or-so people up, go random places all over the US for a few week. Or a month. Or a few. How to acquire the proper funds for this, how to actually and realistically plan this out, and how to convince the parents that this is the best idea ever and they should let me go, I have yet to know, but seriously.

Someday.

Love,
Izzy

(1 hour and 57 minutes until the next decade! :D)

chaos, fake love notes, flipping light switches, and spongy dinosaurs

I shall assume it's safe to say that sometimes, all of us will find that we have wandered into chaos unknowingly. That's obvious. Whether it be that there's too much work cut out for us, we said something irrationally stupid, or whatever. But for me, it almost always involves procrastination.

I really need to stop complaining about my endless list of problems.

One thing I am simply annoyed with is that many people, or more specifically, many teenagers and young people, feel they need to adhere to a certain group, or conform to a stereotype, in the ways that they dress, act, talk, etc. "Acceptance" is something valued by the general public, it seems. Yet it's just part of human nature... I'm sure I'm not the only one who it annoys. If you truly like something, wear it. Don't wear it because everyone else is. I do not know how many times I can repeat myself to certain people. It's something that will never be changed, though.

My band, Nameless Elegy, is coming along pretty well, other than that we have problems with the bassist and drumset situations. And maybe the singer. I don't know. I've been working on all the "nerdy stuff," apparently. As in, website, finances, etc. I'm just great at those kind of things. It's probably a good idea to go ahead and get your foundations set out before you really start a big project like this, because then, it's less likely to collapse. It actually is quite astounding to me how many words I understand, yet infrequently use in everyday conversation. It really helps when reading contracts and the like. Not that we're signed (yet), but for just reading the terms and conditions, for stuff like our website hosting service. Of course, it will really be instrumental if we get signed, though. I've wrote some guitar riffs I really like, I got another guitar (which is not exactly the best brand or model of guitar, but better than my other one. yet it's not bad at all), maybe buying a new amp/pedals/other guitar stuff soon, and, yeah.

I feel excruciatingly inarticulate right now.

This morning, we confirmed another techie/tour support. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey, Frances, can you confirm that you'll be one of our techies/tour support?
Frances: Yeah, definitely, as long as I don't have to fix computers or something.
Me: Well pretty much all you have to do is flip light switches, and...
*Cate starts cracking up at this point, then we all realize how imbecilic that sounded and start laughing.*
Me: ...and tell us how much money we have to buy food with.
Frances: 'NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE MONEY TO BUY FOOD. IT'S ALL MINE...'

Friday was the last day of school before winter break. It snowed and they let us out of school an hour early. It didn't stick to the ground, though. I hugged most of my friends and told them I loved them, because it just started snowing a few minutes before we left, and we haven't seen snow in almost two years. Winter is my favorite season.

Since it was the last day of school before break, one of my best friends, Cassidy, and I had to mess up something. Thursday, a good friend of mine gave me those little sponge capsule things that expand in water. I don't know what she was thinking, knowing me. First, we put one of those in a toilet, and walked away. Later, one of my friends on the bus told me she saw a dinosaur sponge in the toilet, and that everyone found it hilarious. Another one of my friends heard this and thought it was the best idea ever. I think we should do that again at the end of the year, but get three packs of spongy dinosaurs or something. Everyone always does something ridiculous, usually fifty times worse than that. All week, we'd been cutting out little paper hearts that said various phrases along the lines of "Happy Holidays! I love you." "Merry Christmas! Ohyeah! P.S. - Ur hot." [Cassidy said that "sounded wrong."] "Happy New Year. You're awesome!" written in different colors and handwriting. We had time to stick about ten of them in our friends' lockers, and we have about ten left. The day we get back, assuredly. What's awesome about this is that our friends have a bunch of holiday and joke love notes, yet they have absolutely no idea who they're from. Yes, I am aware that we're very bad and mature kids. But we didn't want to get suspended the day before winter break. Or really ever.

Love,
Izzy

burnin the flag at half-mast...

Warning for Grey is sorta happening.

I'm editing my NaNoWriMo novel. it's based off 21st Century Breakdown. It's painful.

Finals are next week. I can't play chords... wish me luck in Music/Basic Guitar. And for the music theory shit in Choir. Ugh.

Finals

They are this really stressful time of year where all you want to do is sleep and go home for vacation except you have a ton of work to do.
Two more days.
Sadly, I got an incomplete in my form study class >.<
I did pass every other class though.

This is What I Feel, and I Refuse to Let It Control Me Anymore

I'm alone. True, I have friends, family, teachers, etc, who care about me, love me, are there for me no matter what... it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel alone. I wasn't for a long time, and I am now. So what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can look for someone, but experience tells me, that the person will show up exactly when they want to and no sooner than that. Looking around every single corner I round for them will bring more disappointment than anything (though my stubbornness refuses to allow me to quit). I wont be alone in due time, when my time for love comes again. I know I want it to be soon, soon as possible. But then again, I always do. I'm emotionally needy. That will never change.

How do I feel less alone? Sad? Empty? Lost? Desperate? How do I make the memories stop haunting me? You can't tell me. No one can. Time heals wounds. Only time. It takes time, though mentally, I do believe you can truly effect how much time it will take to heal. The more active you are about your own healing, the less time it will take. Just like a wound heals faster with some antiseptic and a bandage. If you actually TRY to heal, the healing will work faster. Don't pick at your wounds, stitch them closed.

I suppose I've been fighting it a little bit. But who wouldn't? It's a whole lot to take in, and an immense amount of things to forget. Well, not to forget. I'm really not forgetting anything. I'm just, sort of taking everything, remembering it, processing it, and filing it away. Putting it in storage. Make them distant. And as time goes, I'll make more memories, which make the old even more distant, and make filing everything else away that much easier. And then, when I look back, well, I just think "Awww, I remember when", not "I miss those days", or "What if". What if sucks. Never let that become a stable part of your vocabulary. It's the question to which you will never know the answer. And I hate not knowing the answers to things. So it's just better for me to not ask that question.

Besides, how could I ever possibly benefit from any of this? From holding onto this? It's like a dead kitten. Sure it was cute and fun while it was alive, but it got sick, it's gone now, and there is nothing you can do about it. Do you really want to try to play with a dead kitten? To try to feed one? I know from anatomy class that dead cats are just... gross. I would must rather have a live one, thanks. And no, I may not find another kitten I really like for awhile, but it's not like my kitten was the last kitten on earth. There are plenty of em. Hell, just look in the classifieds in the newspaper, there are tons of em, for free! It would be... rather stupid to keep and cherish a dead kitten when I could easily get a live one!

Goodness, by now most of us should understand how disappointing life is. From the little things like having to change plans, to the bigger things like break-ups and death. Life never works exactly the way we want it to. Why? Cause we can't see what's been planned for us, we have our own ideas and plans, and when they don't work out, we are incredibly sad. See though, if we could see what He has planned, we wouldn't be sad at all, cause we would know that everything is going exactly how it's supposed to be. Not a single mistake or disappointment, but everything flowing perfectly in line as He intended it. Wish I could see that. Hope His plan is incredible, cause mine seemed pretty damn good too.

I was sitting there, about an hour ago, listening to Brand New, because I hadn't in weeks and I wanted to so bad. Not caring how much it would hurt if I did. And I saw the friendship we could have. I could picture us, driving somewhere, anywhere together, laughing, best friends. No pain. No sense of loss. No awkwardness. Just us, like I do with all of my other close friends, driving down the road, singing along to some song (this time it was "Jesus Christ" by Brand New), laughing and having the time of our lives. I can't have what I planned anymore. I'm trying as hard as I can to accept that. And since I can't have that, I want what I just saw in my head, so bad. It almost seems just as good as my original plan. When I saw it in my mind's eye, it made me, for a few brief moment, immensely happy. I want that. Now.

Your one of my best friends. You know me better than 99% of everyone who knows me. I cannot lose you. You said you need me, I need you too. You know so much, and your such a part of me now, that to lose you completely is an unthinkable thing. Why else do you think I can't stay away? I've known you, for not too much longer than a year, and I feel like I grew up with you. That I met you in elementary school, or middle school, like my other closest friends. I could never survive without their friendship, so how could I ever survive without yours? It would kill me inside to not have it. That's why I want to start fixing it. To make the image in my head reality as soon as I can. And how is that possible? Time... and like I said before, time repairs, and will do so faster if you actively try to help it. I'll be as active as possible, as active in healing this as my brain will let me.

You have to see how hard I'm trying. If you looked that things how I see them, if you know me well at all, you could see how much it hurts, and still how hard I'm trying to feel better and move on. The whole situation is so sad. Not bitter, not angry, just sad. It's so freaking sad. I was probably mad about it for all of, I don't know, two or three days. Now I'm getting past the sadness, and the past. It's easier to accept it all every day. Though I will have my down days. The days when I cry myself to sleep. The days when I may deny every word I've just written. My relapse days. I'll have em, but even as I do, they will grow fewer and farther in between. Gosh I can't wait for that. I want it as soon as possible.

I want to live. I want to breath. I want to not hurt anymore. I want to get some actual control over what I feel for once. I'm going to take what I want, starting now.

gagged to a chair it's so unfair...

so I've finally got a band type thing.

we're tentatively called Warning for Grey, we're pop-punk-rock, and I am the bassist/violinist/co-singer. my nickname/stage name is St. Jimmy (long story), my friend (guitarist and co-singer) is Gloria, and our pianist is Fruit Loop. we've got a gothy-grungy girl (me) a dark!prep-type girl (Gloria) and a bright happy colorful chick (Fruit Loop). we're kinda strange, but... hey.

we also have the strangest influences, and none of 'em line up. I have the longest list of singers/bassists who inspire me (bassists... Mike Dirnt and Hunter Burgan and Flea, 'course) who run the line of punk/alternative (a hint of industrial) and then they have, like the Jonas Brothers. but then again Gloria got her nickityname from the Patti Smith song of the same name so...

we just need to run Warning for Grey past Fruit and we'll be set. well, then again, I actually need a bass... and for my lil bro to approve being our drummer (he'd have a metal influence)

so anyway, Warning for Grey is like the weirdest band ever. if you happen to live *here* and ya see us advertising for like a show wherever, get the eff over there kay?


other names we though up were "Warning for Ezekiel" "Warning for Ezekiel Grey" "Warning for Misery" "High School Punk Club" "Pasalacqua" etc.

~suki

If you see odd-looking kids with a giant cd/cassette player/radio thing from the mid-90s, lettuce, a plastic jackolantern, and a collection of other random objects, dancing in the middle of the street, that's probably my friends and I. I'm the one with the weirdly-colored-orangey-brown hair (that was an accident at summer camp involving hair-highlighting stuff which you're not really supposed to use if you have black hair because it turns your hair orange. It used to be bright orange, but then my mom dyed it to look more natural and the dye faded some.) and a bunch of books on math, psychology, and other random stuff. And probably an instrument case.

I don't know why, but I just had to say that. Recent occurrences. Yay for condensing the past few weeks into four sentences!

I guess it's safe to say that my band is getting off the ground. To me, it's extremely strange to think that we could actually get somewhere with it, as in, record an album and play shows. (And we are planning for both of those things next year.) Yet, a possibility. The idea of a band has been circulating around my group of friends and I for maybe, three years now. Honestly, it doesn't even seem real. We've been having problems getting a bassist and a guy singer, but we're almost sure we've found our bassist. The singer, however, is not exactly secured. We've been trying to find a guy to sing, because Audrey (sitarist/drummer) said that she envisioned a guy singing some of the songs, and a girl singing others. (Which would probably end up being me.) The following is what would most likely happen with the lineup when Audrey was playing sitar. Somehow, it seems as if it would miraculously work out. (Because, obviously, you can't play drums at the same time. As far as I know, she hasn't grown two more arms.) The bassist, who coincidentally plays drums, would be the drummer. Then the guy singer, who coincidentally plays bass, would also be the bassist. And I will be playing guitar, no matter what odd lineup situations we configure.

Hoping to tour next year. As in, play some shows fairly close by. No further away than an hour, most likely. We all have to start somewhere, and some of us have parents, and other various hindrances, including school, location, etc.

I still can't believe it's happening, though. So I don't have to bore you with updates for this band, you can follow along here, because updates will be posted much more frequently there. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm really excited about what this could become. I have no ambitions of us being famous or something, but, to me, making a record and playing shows with a halfway-decent band is something to be proud of.

love,
Izzy

I have decided their should be a movie about how ridiculous my life is.
Strange things always happen to me.
Or really good things will happen right after something really bad happens.
Such as not being able to go to the NYC afi show, yet then I was a runner up in the Zukin(pumpkin carving) contest thus winning a shirt.
My schools registration site stopped working right when I had to register for class, so I decide to run up to the registration office to kick some ass (I hope I can say ass here?). So I get there.. and there are about 30 - 40 other really angry kids that had similar registration times as I did. To make a long and painful story short, they ended up hand-registering people and ignoring the website thing, but I was still there for 3 hours. The good thing after that was I won a macbeth shirt via facebook. That was pretty cool.
I am sure there are several other examples but it is 8 am and my brain is not working properly.

When we build these dreams on sand, how they all slip through our hands.

I've been really, really stressed out over the past week. Mainly due to several things: procrastination, full schedules, forgetting things, and our crazy little band project. Honestly, I don't know what direction it's going in. We have Audrey, who plays sitar (look it up) and is learning drums, and I could sing or play guitar and viola. [And about the viola: it's named Sam. I have no idea why, but it is. So Sam had to have some minor adjustments because someone messed up when they fixed it before. (In other words, they set the sound post incorrectly.) I gave Sam to my viola teacher twos Fridays before last, and he said it would probably be back on Saturday. It was not. They had to do other minor adjustments. And once again, it was not my fault. I got Sam back yesterday. Apparently the guy who is fixing it has a lot of work to do or something.]

And then I might get a new guitar sometime in the somewhat-near future. (Maybe in a few months/a year or so.) The main problems with our band are that a) we don't have a bassist. b) the name is unoriginal, and c) we probably need another singer because I'd probably get confused and start singing the chord names if I was the singer and guitarist. All the people I know that play bass opted out of being in any form of band. So we'll have to ask everyone we know if they know someone that plays bass. And I just found out that I have a bunch of friends that know a guy in my grade that plays bass and apparently his band broke up a while ago. But I don't know him. And walking up to him and saying "Hey, all my friends know you. You play bass, right? Would you like to be in my band?" would be kinda creepy. Let's just hope I have him in a class next trimester, because it ends next week, and that way I could get to know him and then The name of our band is "Nameless Elegy," and we think we've finally found the perfect name. It actually just became that today, but is has had several variations, including "Nameless," there were too many bands called that and it wasn't creative, "Nameless Sorrow", which was just plainly bad for the type of music we're playing, "Nameless Lost", which just doesn't sound good, "We The Nameless", which is not good because we're not writing The Constitution, and several others like that. It's not that we don't have anything together, we already have several complete songs that do require a bassist. Audrey can write really, really good bass parts for some reason. And our lyrics... sometimes they mean something to us, sometimes we don't know what the song is about until we're done. For instance, Audrey recently wrote a song about a homeless guy who stalks his ex-girlfriend. She did not intend it to be about that, of course. Yet, believe it or not, it's still a nice song. It's not obvious it's about that, it could very easily be about a lot of things.

And playing Girl's Not Grey and Give It All on Rock Band at 3-4 AM is superamazing. Especially when I'm the singer and my voice is messed up from screaming for several hours on end. (And apparently, I'm usually a really good singer.) And I got punched in the face by a little girl because all the lights were off and she probably thought I was one of those boys jumping out and scaring people during a Sardines game (like reverse hide and seek, where one person hides and everyone tries to find them and then hides with them.) This was at a lock-in at a church with some friends on Friday night. I fell asleep on a couch for 20 minutes. Literally. And then I woke up about 5:50 to kids running around and screaming like they lost their heads. Fun, I know.

Last night I went roller skating. I haven't been in forever. Surprisingly, I didn't fall fifty times, only about five. We skated around in a giant chain of four or five people most of the time.

[My teachers would have killed me for this, but yay for disorganization...] Audrey, from our band, is coming over today and we're going to work out songs, and maybe record something, because we have the equipment, but it's not likely that we will. But possible. Now we have a blog, too! I promise it will be interesting, and updated fairly frequently, because this project is being worked on. Click.

Sorry for the length also,

♥ Izzy

I was required to write a blog for school. Go figure, I hope you don't mind it:

Sex, Drugs but no Rock and Roll? C is for Corruption:
My first day at Bishop Brady High School consisted of ridicule and antagonizing classmates. Why? I wore a black tee shirt that had a band’s name on the front. Someone forgot to tell me that this was unacceptable--at least to the student population. Needless to say that I stood out like a sore thumb. I can not consider myself a graduate of a Catholic High School, because this would require two things of me: A. to have gone to Catholic School for four years, and B. Accepting the practices and injustices of the Catholic School System.
After the first day of school, all students were required to wear the school uniform: navy, green or white polo shirt with either khaki pants or a plaid skirt all provided by the school. For some absurd reason, I still was known as the “Goth” kid; I just did not fit in with everyone else. The more I tried to find out why, the more I decided I did not want to be anything like them.
Corrupt is a good word to describe the teaching staff at a Catholic High School. Teachers do not need a teaching degree, all they need is to know someone important at the school and then they get a job. The gym teacher in 2004 was fired (for having sexual relations in the kitchen with the typing teacher), and was replaced by the principal’s son—a stoner who dropped out of college. He would come to class smelling like marijuana and alcohol and no one did anything about it. Why would they? Most of the kids were smoking with him.
This pot problem did not stop with the principal’s son; her daughter also would smoke like a chimney. I can not recall the number of times I would walk into the girls locker room and see her in the far corner with one of her “bffs” smoking some sort of drug combination.
Drinking and engaging in sexual activities on school grounds was also a common occurrence. What did the school do about it? Almost nothing. They tried to suspend kids for it, but once they found out the principal’s daughter and the vice principal’s daughter were involved they turned a blind eye. To make a long story short; Bishop Brady High School refused to report alcohol and drug use on the campus, thus breaking a few laws, and they refused to discipline anyone engaging in other activities that inappropriate for school.
Now, if these students were willing to engage in such activities at school, one can only imagine what they were willing to do in the comfort of their own home--or lack of comfort.
The thing that I, to this day, never understand was why people would disrespect their body, mind and their relationships just for a short “high”. People who need drugs and sex to make them happy need to start listing to better music.